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8 or more yrs ago. That's me on the couch, and Robert about to..well..you have eyes.

I shuffled down the isle towards the front of the church, my view still blocked by the short disheveled line that had bottle-necked and huddled around the opened silver casket.

Suddenly the group parted, and the sight seized my chest.  The cold, hard, truth, lay bare before my eyes.  Laying as if sleeping, but not to awake today, lay Robert, my cousin of 24 years.  I couldn’t move, and then the week of denial and dry eyes gave way to tears of reality.  The waves of emotions previously held back by dry eyes of shock or maybe necessity, gave way to inconvenience, regret, anger, and deep sadness.

So senseless.  So random. An ultimate violation, with no clear party to blame.

I just stood there, taking it in. Like I did the night I heard he was..”dead”?  Unable to move, but wanting to turn away.  Wanting to control a situation I was simply unprepared and unqualified for.

It’s easier to theorize about the virtues of death when it is removed.  I used to talk about it’s reminding effects as almost an opportunity for us left behind, to more fully discover life’s true meaning, and in turn influence us as we determine how best to live our lives today.  But not this day.   There were no thoughts of Carpe Diem, not while watching a mother, sister, and fiance, clutching each other, while looking on, away, and down.

Heads mostly turned down.

I cannot fathom and still struggle to understand the pain Robert’s only sibling and sister(my cousin), mother, father, two children, and their mother, must all have been feeling and continue to feel today. I imagine it must be entirely different when death comes suddenly to your immediate family.  When its your son.  Your daughter.  Your mother, or father.  Your lover.  Laying there.  Any untested theories seem to be threatened.  Any theology void of a comforting arm, slung around a shoulder, seem unwelcome today.

I write this now, more as a means to spend a moment in reflection, and tribute to my cousin, who truly lived his life to the full and will be missed. I do this now, because I wish I could have spoken to him a few more times before this sudden news.  Maybe been a little more involved.  I do this so that his remaining 4 yr old twin boys may stumble on this one day,if they ever wonder if Daddy was a good man.  Or if he mattered to anyone.  I attempt to capture and express a small collection of experiences and memories, most of which I fear that as an older cousin, faced distraction, and self absorption.  But what I do know, is that their daddy lived leaning into the winds of life, with a love for music, his bike, people, and his kids.  And if you happened to drift across his path, even if the encounter was brief, you would have to remember him.  He would see to it.  His smile, laughter, and sun sized heart would not allow you to escape his warmth.

To Robert White’s boys: Your daddy Loved.  He was truly a man of the people, with a great memory for the little things, that you yourself would realize you had forgotten.  If you ever wonder how you could imitate your dad.  I would recommend to learn to love genuinely.

And for the rest of us…I guess my only words of recommendation are to do the knowing and loving when we can.  When they are a phone call away.  A plane ticket, or only one tank of gas’ journey.  Let us live our lives, urgently, and wisely.

So…I then stepped forward to the casket, needing to resolve this departure with contact.  I reached to pat his shoulder one last time.  It felt heavy, like the clay I used to use in my high school art class after a cold winters night.  This was real.

Some of what made Robert special may be forgotten by some over time. I dare not attempt to many cliched religious sayings here, but I do cling to the thought and hope that our Creator remembers and knows, and will recall this life, Roberts life, one day…and be Love, and Justice….It’s all I have.

Teach us to Number Our Days, So that we may apply our Hearts unto Wisdom…

Robert’s life ended in East Ridge, Chattanooga, Tennessee on Saturday, August 29, 2009, when a pick up truck made a right turn from the left lane. The Robert J White Memorial Fund has been set up for his two boys.  Feel free to visit the site below for more pics and info:

RobertWhiteMemorial.com